Five Reasons You Don’t Want to Leave Her
“Come cuddle and shit,” my friend reads from his phone. He dons a wily smile, like a kid who’s about to do something he shouldn’t.
Right away I know who authored the candid text: his ex, with whom he’s been in a stop-and-go relationship for the past year or so. They dated three years during undergrad, she left to teach English abroad while he attended law school, and ever since she moved to the same city to study at the same university they have been cuddling…and shit.
I shake my head in disapproval. Don’t do it.
But I understand his situation. I’ve been there before. It’s not easy to end a relationship, to move on and get over her, when you have history. And history is only one of many reasons why people backslide—why they succumb to the allure of getting back with their exes.
Here are five more reasons people make this mistake.
When you’re in a long-term relationship, you inevitably become intimate. You learn the things that make her tick, how she expresses her feelings, what her routine is like. You learn to decipher her facial expressions, what they mean in combination with whatever snippy comments she makes when she’s angry. You can wear your favorite salsa-stained t-shirt and pajamas with holes in them when she’s around. Reaching that level of comfort takes time and work.
If you’re a normal person, you don’t fall in love with every girl you date. Love is difficult to come by. It can’t be instantly triggered like other emotions. Someone cuts you off while you’re driving and you get angry, but it takes a succession of events to make you fall in love. It’s also never a sure thing and exists on different levels. You could fall in love with someone again, but what if you don’t love her as much as your ex? What if this girl doesn’t love you as much as your ex did?
3. The One
I don’t believe that there’s only one person out there for everyone. It’s depressing to think of it that way: I spent three years with this girl and we split up, so now I know she wasn’t The One? Fuck that. It’s more romantic to think of a relationship as a choice. I love this girl, and I choose to be with her. Marriage is one of the hardest things you’ll ever do in your life, if you ever take the plunge. Probably the most difficult, depending on how well parenting goes. So if you’re sustaining your relationship on the idea that this might be the person I’m supposed to spend forever with, then the whole thing is bound to crumble eventually.
4. The Sex
First of all, casual sex isn’t possible when you’ve been with her for so long, especially if you love each other. What the hell is casual about love? If you think you can end a serious relationship and become fuck-buddies, you’re delirious. And of course the sex is amazing. When you’re with anyone long enough, you’re going to learn each other’s preferences and have ridiculous sex. But guess what…you’re a good guy, you’re smart, outgoing—you’re a fucking catch. All you need is to find that spark with someone, that chemistry, and you’ll be set.
5. Slim Pickings
When I ask my friend why he doesn’t date a specific girl, he says, “Why would I go for the flank steak when I’ve had the New York Strip?”
Well…what about the tenderloin?
But I get it. As we get older and date more people, we develop a list in our heads of what the ideal partner would be like. We get more and more picky. (i.e. My friend will only date Latinas.) It can seem unlikely that there’s someone out there who can check off so many of the things on your list. But what do you know? You could meet someone who is the exact opposite of your ex, and she could possess traits you had no idea you would be attracted to.
If you and your ex want different things, have grown apart, disrespected each other, betrayed each other’s trust, or done any of the millions of things that can end a relationship, backsliding is the last thing you should be doing. For some people, that takes a lot of time and unnecessary pain to figure out. All you need to ask yourself is this: can the relationship be salvaged? If so, go get her back. If not, move on. Cut off communication. Time and space are ideal healers. Let them do their work.
The writer does not condone the treatment of women as pieces of meat—nor does his friend. We are simply obsessed with food.
Eric Zurita | News Cult