Don’t be Anyone’s Doormat
All of us really care about our friends, family members & significant others. That’s a given. Every single person has a select group of people that we’d happily go out of our way for if something were to come up. However, there’s a fine line between being there in moments of need and teaching people that it’s okay to use you whenever they need something.
Throughout my life I’ve had a really bad habit of putting every single person’s needs and wants ahead of my own. If I was upset about something but so was one of my friends, I’d shut up and make their problems a priority. I’ve spent a long time avoiding discussing issues in my life as to avoid becoming a burden. I avoid arguments, problems & issues with people in favor of just sucking up and dealing with whatever is wrong. Sounds great right – no fighting, no problems? Except usually the satisfaction of helping everyone around me, depends on the appreciation and reciprocation of my actions from those people.
Let me tell you from personal experience, that it’s fleeting & fruitless at best. When you go out of your way to do things for people, you may expect that when the time comes, they’ll do the same for you. Get ready to be disappointed. While it’s always really great to see how happy and appreciative people are in the moment that you’re helping them, it’s a quick reality check when you find out there’s very few people in the world that would do the same for you.
But the truth is that no one is obligated to do anything for you, even if you do miraculous and magical things for them. The fallacy lies with your own judgment. By doing things for others you raise your own expectations on what you assume will be reciprocated, and honestly no one HAS to be as kind hearted or compassionate as you.
When you’re on the receiving end of all this, especially romantically, and someone is coming across as excessively nice and going out of their way to do things for you, then you immediately become suspicious of their intentions. Which makes this all into a big Catch 22. Nice guys are now forced to act aloof instead of going out of their way to do nice things for you, and who likes someone that acts aloof? Now the nice guy isn’t acting like himself, and you aren’t being yourself because you’re either suspicious or confused. So… what’s the point?
No one can be remarkable all the time. Sometimes, we have to learn to say no & we have to learn to put ourselves first. If you’re anything like I am then knowing all this and being burnt by experience isn’t enough to stop you from doing what you’d normally do – drop everything & go be where you’re ‘needed’. But just like with everything else in life, there’s a time and place for everything. You’re not as needed as you think you are. There’s always someone else that can fill your shoes in any given situation. And more importantly, part of being there for other people when they need you is that you have to be there for yourself first. You need to be okay first before you can really help someone else be okay.
The thing about always putting others first, is that you teach people that you always come second.
Veronika Klebanova | News Cult