Why A Nice Guy Won’t Make the First Move

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Don’t feel discouraged when the bearded, tattooed lumberjack pushing his thick-lensed glasses up the bridge of his nose doesn’t walk across the bar to introduce himself to you, the girl who has already winked at him twice. He has noticed how you miss the straw when you take a sip of your cocktail and the way you scrunch your nose when you laugh. He thinks you’re adorable, but he won’t come and talk to you.

When I say nice guy, I’m referring to those of us who are genuinely seeking much more than a fuck-buddy. Men and women alike enter a different mindset when looking for a partner they won’t regret waking up to in the morning. Horniness can cloud anyone’s judgment, and that’s okay, but when a man is ready for a committed relationship he looks for much more than physical attraction. We (speaking on behalf of the nice guys) like that you are ambitious, intelligent/artsy/sporty, passionate about what you do, and that you can be happy independent of a man. And the small things, the quirks we notice from across a room—like how you unabashedly stick out your tongue to find the straw in your drink—are important, too. But those cute quirks can make approaching you seem like…getting through Ulysses.

Today, with how social American culture has become, you scarcely hear the word “shy” used to describe anyone, unless that someone is a toddler who believes in the “girls have cooties” mantra as much as he believes Santa is who neatly sets his gifts beneath the tree each year. But shy nice guys exist. I swear on fat Saint Nick himself. Don’t mistake it for awkwardness or indifference. Not all men will send over a drink, or barge into your conversation with your friends with one in hand, and they certainly won’t return your wink. Some of us just aren’t wired that way. The hot nerd you single out from across the room may need you to take more initiative than the suggestive sipping through the straw between your lips.

A few weeks ago, my buddy’s girlfriend had some friends over at her apartment for drinks. When I arrived, there were three good-looking girls sitting on the couch, all of whom introduced themselves with pretty smiles and handshakes. Within seconds I knew which of the three I found most physically attractive. She had dark, brown hair that fell straight down her back, and thick eyebrows framing her gray-blue eyes. But I didn’t talk to her. I didn’t pay any of the girls much attention, except to contribute an opinion here and there during the lulls in the conversation I was having with the friend who’d invited me. I would tune him out when I heard her speak, the girl whose eyes made me forget the other girls’ names. I was gauging her intelligence. Because what guy looking for a girl to cook breakfast for and cuddle with wants to date someone with rocks for brains?

The girl chimed in on the conversation I was having with my friend, who is in grad school with me. We were talking about the books a professor had assigned for a class, the ones we’d liked and the ones we hadn’t. In one breath she critiqued one of the books, a novel I love, and basically called it overrated. We had a brief discussion about why we disagreed, and that was all it took. I broke out of my shell, or began to, anyways. (The booze helped.)

So ladies, I encourage implore you to take a chance. Make the first move. There’s a bearded bookworm out there who would love to meet you. Remember, even in bed, nice guys finish last.


  1. The writer is aware some women prefer clean-cut men with suit closets built into their apartments—like Barney from HIMYM—although he doesn’t comprehend why. The writer fancies himself a nerdy lumberjack whenever he wears flannel long-sleeved shirts and is too lazy to put in his contacts in the morning. (Vain—he knows.)
  1. Any other assumptions the reader may form about the writer are probably well-conceived.
  1. The writer would like to embolden shy nice guys to make the first move. If the girl you’re exchanging glances with is a shy nice girl, you may never get to meet her.

Eric Zurita | News Cult