Drunken Texts: What They Say VS. What They Mean

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Over the years I have come to discover that deciphering drunken text messages is comparable to understanding ancient hieroglyphs—it’s possible, but only through research, practice and patience.

Often times drunken texts will say one thing, but mean another—therefore it’s not really about the text but more so the subtext of the text (that was a mouthful). For some reason, alcohol makes people think that they are a lot more clever than they really are. Whereas sober humans are painfully aware of guilt, shame, and humiliation, drunk ones forget those things exist entirely—which makes for very interesting conversation.

Let’s analyze—

“No Word Content/ Entirely Emojis”

 

Drunk to the point of only emoji is both a good and bad thing. On the one hand this individual is saying “I’m too drunk to formulate a sentence” but on the other hand they are saving themselves the embarrassment of using real words. Sending a winky face, heart eyes, and a red-dress-wearing-salsa –dancer is a lot less humiliating then looking at your phone in the morning and seeing that you sent “I am such a gooood dancer!!!!!!” to your mother knowing a. she doesn’t care and b. you are an awful dancer.

“Heyyyyy/hiiiii/hellllooooo”

 

The addition of multiple letters is a tell-tale-sign of inebriation. This person is most likely just starting to feel a buzz and wants to begin a conversation with you that they think is important but ultimately will amount to nothing more than telling you how drunk they are and how much they miss you.

“heLpMe”

 

This text was sent from a bathroom. This person is sick, upset, or hiding from someone. The misspelling is combination of things—things being, Long Island Iced Teas and a false sense of misery.

“WHERE ARE YOU/WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING ME”

There’s nothing worse than a needy/demanding drunk, but is there really any other kind? This person is drunk to the point that they don’t care how annoying they’re being. They have the patience of a second-grader and don’t seem to comprehend how that can be slightly off-putting. 

“I’m not really taht drunk.”

The defensive drunk is a common breed as well. This person doesn’t want to admit how hammered they are. This is generally the guy or girl walking around saying “I could totally (hiccups) drive a car (burps) right now.”

“Omg, remember that time *insert completely random story from 5 years ago that wasn’t that funny and still isn’t that funny*”

This person is drunk and bored and starving for conversation. They’re feeling nostalgic but they aren’t sober enough to convey that message properly so they rack their brain for an example that seems a lot more entertaining than it really is.

“I love you, I miss you, and we should hang out soon!!!!!!!! *heart emojis in all different colors*”

The sentiment of these drunken texts is sweet but if this person isn’t saying this to you sober, chances are it’s only the alcohol talking. Some people are really emotionally inept without alcohol and then bam!—a few sips and bring on the Oscar winning performances.

“fcku you”

Angry drunk texts are the best—especially when they’re out of the blue. Chances are this person isn’t even mad at you. On the off chance they really are mad at you it’s probably for something you did in middle school, don’t take it to hear—just play along and wait until the next morning’s “sorry I was drunk” text.

“I thnk im stil drunk”

The morning-after drunk text is a rare one but hilarious nonetheless. This is coming from someone who drank a lot until the wee hours of the morning and hasn’t yet felt the shame from the night before. Be kind to these people—the hardest fall anyone will take is from their intoxicated high horse.

Melissa Copelton | News Cult

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